News just in…

Following the foretold floods of 1 January 2014 and the ending of labour market restrictions for Bulgarians and Romanians, Bulgarian mixed grill (Meshana skara) and Romanian sour soup (Ciorbă) are already outselling chicken tikka masala as the new British national dish here in the UK.

Curry chefs across the country are being handed their notice. Thousands are thought to be affected. Some are seeking to re-train and others are said to adding increasing qualities of extra paprika and yoghurt to traditional British curries in order to adapt old favourites to entice the newcomers.

Local take-away owner Tom Logan* said: “I came down from Scotland looking for work back in 1989 and it was hard giving up deep frying everything that moved. I adapted, I made the effort, but I don’t think I’ve got it in me to do it all over again. I’m thinking of giving it all up and moving to Benidorm to cater for local tastes there. My head cook, Rahul, was a highly trained embassy chef in Bangladesh but I had to show him a thing or two about a good curry when he started with me. He says he’d rather slit his wrists than add yet more yoghurt and I can’t manage without him.”

Romanian Bogdana Virgil, a resident of Dover, said: “I’ve had braying tabloid journalists hunting me like a fox all morning and I’m pretty fed up of it now. I’ve got work to do, unlike them. I’ve been living here for five years and I for one love Polish bigos – it is one of the reasons I came here, along with setting up a successful small company – so I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

A few fish and chip shops and Toby Carverys are thought to have survived previous waves of culinary modernisation in remote rural areas and are also thought to be making a post-ironic recovery in Hoxton, London.

*With apologies to The Daily Mash