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Following Early Christmas referendum PM insists “Christmas means Christmas!”


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Following the narrow “yes” vote in the Early Christmas Referendum, Theresa May announced today that the United Kingdom will unilaterally change the date of Christmas in 2017. The Prime Minister stated in a speech at  Santa’s Grotto inNicholsons, Maidenhead that “Christmas means Christmas” and that despite a close result she will trigger the 2017 Christmas countdown early by opening the first door of her Advent Calendar by the end of March.

This will leave Theresa May and the British Government with 25 days in which to negotiate future present arrangements for British children. Mrs May told Christmas shoppers

The people voted for an Early Christmas, and as prime minister I will make sure that we get an Early Christmas. 

Mrs May expressed her frustration with talk in some circles of a Slightly Early Christmas, dubbed the “White Christmas” option by some media commentators. “So called White Christmas misses the point,” she said, “I want a Red, White and Blue Christmas!”

No details have yet been provided on the proposed actual date of an Early Christmas. Downing Street was unable to say whether or how Early Christmas would involve trees, stockings, presents or crackers with bad jokes in them when there were only 25 days in which arrangements could be made. A spokesman did state categorically that Brussels sprouts would be “off the menu”.

In a hint as to the proposed timetable for Early Christmas, it is understood Theresa May informed the Queen at a meeting at Balmoral in September that Her Majesty’s Christmas message will need to be recorded next May. Insiders at the palace report that the Queen is furious.

Responding to questions on how Father Christmas and his elves might react to Early Christmas, a spokesman for Number 10 said this was a matter for them but went on, “British children can rest assured they will receive exactly the Christmas presents specified in letters sent to Father Christmas, except with sprinklings of magic fairy dust on top as well.”

Meanwhile, representatives for the North Pole have expressed dismay at the unilateral attempt to change the date of Christmas and have vowed that Early Christmas cannot be permitted to be as good as Actual Christmas.

“Modern Christmas involves complex international supply chains involving all elves, not just those based here at the North Pole,” said Father Christmas in a statement released by his office. “Free movement of elves is of the fundamental striped candied sticks holding Christmas aloft. The people of the United Kingdom may have voted for an Early Christmas but it does not mean they can have their mince pies and eat them.”

Concern has been raised about the status of elves resident in the United Kingdom. It is expected that elves directly engaged in the manufacture of presents before Advent is triggered will be permitted to remain. Theresa May has insisted that the status of resident elves depends on reciprocal arrangements for British orcs abroad, whose rights must be safeguarded. The status of elves not involved in present manufacturing is particularly uncertain.

Representatives for the North Pole have insisted that preparations for future present delivery and elvish/orcish residence arrangements can only begin once Theresa May has formally opened her Advent Calendar and begun the countdown.

“The ungrateful British people can fuck off and make their own presents,” said one elf, who did not wish to be named. “I’ve been working here making presents for years but I’m on the next sleigh out of here.” Other elves are understood to have put down roots and wish to remain despite the anti-elvish sentiment expressed in the referendum campaign with many Britons openly expressing their skepticism as to whether elves exist anyway.

Senior sources have suggested that the Advent Trigger will be a unilateral action not requiring a vote in Parliament. Legal commentators are divided but some backbench Members of Parliament have expressed a desire to be involved in opening the Advent Calendar, or at least to be able to take turns.

Markets have reacted nervously to the proposed change of date for Christmas. A spokesman for the Conferation of British Industry suggested that Early Christmas Day might have to be a normal working day and hinted at Boxing Day being cancelled. An analysis by the Institute for Fiscal Studies suggests that there would be only Six Days of Christmas and that even then the Five Golden Rings were somewhat in doubt.

A spokesman for Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party, said, “Jeremy never much liked Christmas anyway. It’s a big capitalist conspiracy.”

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Colin Yeo

Immigration and asylum barrister, blogger, writer and consultant at Garden Court Chambers in London and founder of the Free Movement immigration law website.